Last day of my 20s

So here it is. My last day as a 20-something. I've been kind of pyschologicaly dreading this for awhile now. I'm not exactly sure why, but the thought of being 30 freaks me out a bit. Makes me feel significantly older than 29 for some reason. I know logically it makes no sense and a number is just a number, but if I was logical all the time I would be quite boring!

This year is going to be an amazing one. Sure I'm leaving my 20s behind, but I have so many things to look forward to this year:

I know by changing my lifestyle and having this surgery that I am only adding many more years to my life. So many more experiences, trips, challenges and just time with my family. This, those added years, were the best 30th birthday present I could have ever given myself. I am proud of myself for all that I have done so far and I have never been more excited for my future. I making this the "Year of Kicking Ass" and I won't let ANY number defeat me. Not my age or my weight. As NKOTB has told me since I was just a little girl, "You're still young, Age is just a number, Don't you stop having fun."

The dreaded "Is your meal ok?"

So at nearly 4.5 months post-op I've gone out to eat a handful of times with my husband and son. We don't go out often and we only go to specific restaurants that have "friendly" food for me. (Red Robin has been great, they have an awesome spicy chicken breast I always get there.) Anyways, LOL!  Portions today are HUGE. There is no question about that:

 I obviously can't eat all my plate they bring me and I eat slowly so I ALWAYS get the worried faced server that comes back to the table asking me if "everything is ok with my meal" or "did you not like such and such?". It's kind of uncomfortable and awkward.

I eat what portion I allow myself and only dense protein with maybe a bite of vegetable and am content taking my leftovers home and having them for lunch AND dinner the next day. I feel like it's almost the "walk of shame" when they come up to you with their "oh no, she's not eating it" face and I never know what to say. I politely just say "yes it's good" and hope they leave. LOL! Just one of those things I guess I have to deal with now. 

What did surprise me is that my plate tonight was so huge portion wise and I just sat there looking at it thinking before surgery I would have eaten this ENTIRE plate, had an appetizer to myself AND desert. Now that same plate is GINORMOUS to me and feeds me for 3 meals!! 

The amount of restriction my new stomach gives me is an amazing tool. With any tool though, if used improperly your end results will not come out right. Sure I could eat anything I want, but I don't. I follow a very strict high protein and low carb diet. I aim to get 80gms of protein a day and under 40gms of carbs per day. Those numbers would not be attainable eating just anything. Before I put anything in my mouth my inner voice asks me "Does this have protein in it? Does it fit in your carb allotment for the day? Is is worth the calories for the amount of protein?" On any given day I get about 600-650 calories a day now and I have to work to get that many because I eat very clean foods. Some days my restriction really kicks in and I struggle to hit my goals. 

Overall though my relationship with food has evolved so much in the past 4 months. I still have times where I have to remind myself to take the "emotions" out of food but I am working on that and those experiences are fewer and fewer. I think just going out to eat tonight got me thinking about food and how I relate to it now and I thought I would share those thoughts with you.

Finding myself.

So, a little housekeeping is in order. I revamped my blog a bit, hope you all like the new "look". I spent a good portion of the morning working on it after my workout.

This morning I got up, dropped my son, Nathan, off at pre-school and went straight to the gym. Plugged my earphones in and got my booty moving to some Ke$ha. Don't hate, I actually really like her music, call it a guilty pleasure, whatever. My feet were still somewhat sore from Ballet on Tuesday, the balls of my feet specifically. We did a lot of releve work and I wasn't getting high enough on my toes. Anyways, so I just did an easy 2.7mph 31min walk. It felt good though. Sure I wasn't going fast, but stamina wise I was kicking ass. I ended my workout feeling good and energized instead of watching the clock, praying for it to be over with. 

I was looking at my Facebook and I came across this image and just had to share:

I've had this fear that people would think that because I'm loosing a very significant amount of weight (106lbs as of today) that I would change. The truth is, in my eyes at least, I'm now becoming the person I was supposed to be this whole time. The core of our being doesn't change when we shed weight. I might take more pride in my appearance, like to put make-up on or a nicer outfit. I might walk a little taller. I might take more risks and put myself out there, but I didn't change. I was buried under so much more than just pounds. I was buried in insecurities, paranoia, fear, shame and self doubt. When you have all those pushing down on you, you can't truly be yourself. I feel as I go through this journey I am finally on the road to finding myself. Finding out who I really am, what I really like, how I fit in and I'm enjoying it all. I am confident to take steps and try new things, even if I might fail. 

Your heart doesn't change because you loose weight either. My love for my Husband, Son, Family & Friends is even more so now. They all have helped me on my journey in their own ways. I am truly thankful for all the support and love I have received from each and every one of them. They say that Weight Loss Surgery can make a good relationship better and a bad relationship worse. I'm very proud to be in that first group with ALL of the important people in my life. I have gained so much respect & love for them as they have for me. 

Knowing that this is a life journey and not just a fad or another "diet" means that I will continue to evolve emotionally and grow into my new body. I am looking forward to what is to come, because I know it will only be good. Challenges don't stop me in my tracks anymore and I'm ready to keep working towards the ultimate goal; finding myself. 

New territory.

We all have different chapters in our lives. Our childhood, high school, college, first real job, first apartment, relationships, kids. They all shape and mold us and we take valuable lessons and memories from each of them as we leave one behind and move into the next. Today starts a whole new chapter for me.

I first met my future husband face to face on May 19th 2001 in Wayne, NJ. It was a day that I can remember every detail about, every nuance. I remember seeing him for the first time and the flood of nerves and excitement that coursed through me. I remember the feeling of finally hugging him and later, our first kiss. I remember exactly what I was wearing and how much I weighed. 

The day I met Michael I was 18 years old and weighed 270lbs. I wore a white t-shirt, black hoodie (with thumbholes I cut myself out of the cuffs WAAAAYYY before it was trendy, remember this was 2001) and I wore a pair of size 20, maroon BugGirl skater/punk/raver pants that I bought at Hot Topic. (Way before it went all mainstream and was so hardcore you were afraid to walk in let alone buy anything there.) I spent $50 on those pants with my Christmas money in 2001. I remember my mom was pissed at me for spending that much money on ONE pair of pants. I got a lot of use out of them though, I wore them all the rest of senior year and that fateful day in May. 

Fast forward to today. Today I stepped on the scale and it said 269.8lbs. 

This is a weight I've never seen in my adult life before. This is a weight that I've never been while knowing my husband, he has never known me at a time when I weighed this "little". This my friends, is new territory. The day we met I was a fresh out of high school, 270lb 18 year old. Today I am a 269lb, 29 year old loving wife and mother. So much has changed and there is still so much that I look forward to doing with Michael by my side. 

This year will be our 10th wedding anniversary, 12 years together. I may be older and heading down, but down in a good way! I'm on this journey to become healthier than I ever have been and I am winning that battle. Pound by pound I am achieving my goal and you know what.........

Yup. I kept the pants. Somehow after all the moves, the changes and the fact that they haven't fit me in 12 years, I have held onto these pants because that day, May 19th, 2001, they were magical. He made me feel like a princess that day and continues to do that everyday we are together. It seems silly to hold onto a pair of pants, but maybe deep down I knew this day would come. Maybe I knew that the smile and feeling I got when I put them on 12 years later would mean this much to me. Whatever the reason, I'm glad I did keep them, they are so much more than a pair of pants. They represented a beginning when I wore them back in 2001 and they represent a completely different beginning as I wore them again today in 2013. 

Reliving some childhood activities.

So a long, long time ago in a far away land, I did ballet. I was always a very active little kid in dance & cheer. I remember taking ballet, tap, baton & even was a cheerleader for a couple years. I know what you are thinking, "Her?! A Cheerleader?!" Truth was I never let my weight rule my life in those early years and my parents encouraged me to do what I liked. I was overweight, but I was very active. My most famous "role" was in a dance called the "Funny Bunnies". My mom still calls me her Funny Bunny. I'm the tallest one.

 On top of dance classes I was in T-ball every spring/summer as well. I wasn't the fastest kid on the team, my Mom would always yell at me from the stands "Run faster! There's a tiger chasing you!!" to try to get me to move my chubby little legs faster!

Fast forward to now. I've been getting more active and for some reason Ballet came back into my mind. I haven't done it in over 20 years but I knew it was something that would be great for toning and working my leg muscles especially. I found an Adult Beginner Ballet class at St. Louis Ballet School and even though I'm not your typical ballerina I signed up. It takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there in pink tights & a black leotard at 272lbs. I was very nervous. I was just praying that the people in the class wouldn't judge me and bring back all those horrible memories from Middle school & High school about being pointed and laughed at. However, I was doing this for me. I wanted to do something fun and enjoyable and I held my chin high as I walked into class. 

There was only 5 of us. A 65yr old lady & 3 20-somethings who were all thin as rails. The nerves went into over drive, but I kept my cool and introduced myself and proceeded to do the best that I could. Sure, there are things I just can't physically do yet at my size and lack of strength but overall I went right along with the class. I wouldn't really consider it a "beginner" class though. Someone who has no ballet experience at all would be completely lost. They expect you to know your basic ballet positions & terms for sure. It's crazy what you can remember because my feet just seemed to remember certain things! 

It's an hour & 15 minute class. I did not prepare well protein or fluid wise for it. I was just so excited about doing it that I totally forgot the most basic important things to keep myself strong and make it through class. I made it through about 50mins before I started to feel it. I started getting clammy, faint and I was pale as a ghost. I had to leave w/ 20mins left in class or I might have hit the floor. Fueling yourself for any exercise is important, but fueling yourself after weight loss surgery is even MORE important because of your limited intake. I learned a big lesson that night. EAT BEFORE CLASS!!! I will better fuel myself next Tuesday and I WILL make it the whole class time. These are my goals. 

Yes, it was hard. My leg muscles are killing me! However, it was FUN! Once I let my guard down and forgot about everyone else in the room and just followed the instructor, who is a company dancer for the ballet school by the way, I was enjoying it. I am very much looking forward to next week and hope that I can do a little better each week. Adding ballet class to my workout schedule is definitely upping the ante and is going to do wonders for tightening & toning my leg muscles and overall improving my balance & coordination. 

QUESTION OF THE DAY: 

What have YOU done that has taken you out of your comfort zone? How did it feel?

So for now, here's a couple photos of me before my first ballet class in over 20 years. Go ahead, laugh. It IS kinda funny!

4 months!

Four whole months. I'ts amazing what you can do in 4 whole months if you put your mind, body & spirit into it. I can't wait to see what the next 4 months hold for me on my journey! Down 78lbs since surgery. 103lbs total. I've gone from a size 30 jeans to a size 22 jeans. A size 2X women's plus shirt to a L or XXL juniors size. I've even went down a shoe size! But more important than what I lost, is what I gained. That list is endless. My physical ability is drastically improved. I go to the gym or spin 3x a week and go to ballet class 1x a week. Both of those would have never been possible for the old me. I've been more active with my son, been able to play longer, take him places and overall be a better Mom to him. My mental well being has drastically improved as well as my confidence levels. I'm very proud of how far I've come so far and I know that the future is going to be a lot more fun & LONGER because of my decisions. I HAVE a future now!

Welcome Back.

Yeah, I've been MIA for the past few months. Truth was I was feeling like the whole blog thing was work instead of fun. I wasn't getting anything out of it at the time so I stopped. I didn't stop because I started slacking off or I didn't want to share my journey. It just wasn't enjoyable. 

Fast forward to now. I am now 4 months post-op as of 2/16/13 and I have lost a total of 78lbs since my surgery. There has been so much going on in my life in these past 3 months that I have not written so I will give you some snippets. The major thing was I had a second surgery during New Years Weekend. I had to have my gallbladder removed and was in the hospital for 5 days. It was however the key to everything as now I am able to eat, drink & meet my goals with out an ounce of nausea! Truly a miracle surgery. I was and am still very active on ObesityHelp.com where I post quite often so I will just share with you some important posts I made over there:

Nov. 7 2012

So I'm 3 weks post op now. Most of you know I've struggled from the beginning. Well, it's not getting much better. I had to call the nurse again today because I'm almost passing out. They are concerned about my blood sugars now, they seem to be too low. Great. I've now been told to drink only my protein shakes because I need the protein badly. So, no water, gatorade or anything until I get 60gms of protein from my shakes. This is SO FREAKING HARD. Why oh why is my journey such a clusterf#ck?!? I feel terrible all the time, I struggle just to get fluids and protein, I still can not take my vitamins. The nurse scared me into trying some other brand of vitamins saying if my bloodwork doesn't come back good next week I'm going to not only get vitamin injections but I could be doing interal damage to my organs. I just want to have the happy, normal recovery. I want to be excited about my decision instead of questioning it, I want to embrace my new sleeve instead of calling it dirty names. I just want to figure all this crap out and move on, but nothing seems to work.

Nov. 16 2012

1 month visit went GREAT! All is well, moved onto Phase 3 in the diet, cleared for exercise, incisions are completely healed and best of all I lost 28lbs since surgery!!! Down 34lbs total since pre-op diet. Celebrating with some saltine crackers. Oh how I have missed crunchy things! LOL! 

 I'm still not making fluid goal, but the Dr was very pleased with my increase from 2 weeks ago when I was in the hospital for dehydration. I get abt 50oz now. He just told me to keep working on it, not to worry, I won't get dehydrated on 50oz a day. Phew. 

Dec. 3 2012

I got really frustrated & mad this morning and I did something VERY weird. I put on my work out clothes and went to the GYM!!! What is happening to me?! I love it. Then I finished my work out, still had my earbuds in as I was walking out and "Sexy and I Know it" by LMFAO came on. I may or may not have smiled & wiggled a bit. ;P

Dec. 27 2013

Something truly amazing happened this morning. It's been 11 years since I've seen a 2 in front. So unbelievably happy. This whole journey is such a blessing!

Jan. 3 2013

So, you know I have been really sick with some virus, it really hit me. I couldn't take it anymore on Sunday afternoon, I was so dehydrated that I decided to go to the ER to get some fluids and hopefully feel better. Well, that's not exactly what happened. 

Sure, I got fluids but I ended up being admitted into the hospital that night and staying for 5 days. Turns out the real culprit to my nausea and not being able to keep anything down was my gallbladder. They did all sorts of tests on me and it revealed that not only did I have gall stones galore, but the actual organ wasn't working. It was functioning at about 3%. So, I spend NYE alone in my hospital room and since there was only an emergency staff in the OR for New Years Day, I had to wait until Wednesday for my surgery. 

So, day 4 in the hospital I went under at about 3:30pm and my WLS Dr took out my gallbladder. He said that 25% of his WLS patients have this outcome and have to have the gallbladder taken out. 

All I can say is that the pain from this surgery is about 50% MORE than the VSG. They've given me some strong pain killers but it's still bad. It was the same routine afterwards, walk, rest, sip repeat to get the gas moving and out. The amazing thing is that I have had NO nausea since the surgery. NONE. It's GONE! 

So, moral of this story was don't drive yourself to the ER for what you anticipate just to be for fluids because you will end up staying 5 days & needing surgery. LOL! 

2 major surgeries in 2.5 months. Awesome, NOT. 

I just got home about 1hr ago and I've never felt happier to be here. I was VERY nervous about the surgery, I think because it wasn't planned and it was kinda out of left field. I was much more nervous about this one than my VSG. I'm just so glad to be home and have this whole ordeal behind me. Phew. 

Jan. 17 2013

Measurements:

Weight: 286 = 65lb loss

Wrist: 6.75in = .25" loss

Bicep: 19.5in = 2.25" loss

Neck: 14.25in = .75" loss

Bust: 47in = 3.5" loss

Chest: 40in = 2.5" loss

Belly: 42.25in = 10" loss

Waist: 41.5in = 2.5" loss

Hips: 54.5in = 10" loss

Thigh: 30.5in = 6.5" loss

Calf: 23in = 3.5" loss

TOTAL inches lost = 41.75"

Feb. 2 2013

So, the motivation has set in. The incisions are healed. (From second surgery, gallbladder) The Dr. has cleared me. It's time to kick some butt!!! Went and got a new pair of running shoes and am training for my very first 5K race ever. I have 85 days until race day. I'm so excited! Who in their right mind would have ever thought that I would be excited about something like this?!?! Exercising?!? No way. The new me is ready, willing and excited!! I know it's going to be hard, I've never ran, ever, but I'm ready to try. Even if I run/walk the race, I don't care. I just want to cross that finish line. YAY!!!! 

Feb. 9 2013

I can't believe it. Me??! Happy about exercise?!? Excited about working out?! Being more active & liking it?! Who am I?! LOL!!

This week I started hitting the treadmill 3x a week for 30mins. 

I also signed up for adult beginner ballet class that will meet 1x a week for 1hr. 

I signed up for my very first 5K race. The Color Run in STL on 4/27!! I'm fundraising since the charity for the run is Autism Speaks and my 5yr old has Autism. If you would like to donate please do, any amount is GREATLY appreciated!! 

https://fundraising.active.com/fundraiser/HeatherTesta

WHO AM I?!! 

Progress

I have a lot to catch up on and I will, but for now I'd like to share with you my progress pics.

Don't be a Halloweenie.

I am very happy to say that I have hit 2 major goals in the past few days! First is my NSV (Non Scale Victory), I had a goal to not have my thigh touch the steering wheel when I drove. I am happy to say that after 2 weeks of not driving and getting behind the wheel on Monday afternoon, my thigh was a good 1"-2" under the wheel!!! WAHOO!!! The second goal is a numbers one. I have lost 15lbs since surgery 2 weeks ago, 25lbs total since my pre-op diet 4 weeks ago.

I started mushy foods and it's a welcome relief from all the liquids, but I'm already bored. HA! Truth is, nothing really tastes that good. Everything seems kind off. It is quite common for VSG patients to have issues with their tastebuds, so it doesn't shock me. 

The hardest thing right now in recovery seems to be just how sleepy I am. I still feel the need to take a nap during the day which is really hard when you are taking care of a 4 year old. Like right now, I started this blog entry to keep me awake! Otherwise I'd be dozing off in this chair right now. :P

Yesterday was the first day that I was able to get in all 64oz of my fluids. I was so happy to finally hit that mark. It makes me realize that things are moving forward, even if, VERY slowly. Patience has never been my forte. 

I wish you all a very Happy Halloween! This is my favorite holiday and I was unable to fully celebrate it this year like I like to. It makes me sad, but I know it's all going to be worth it next Halloween when my life is drastically improved. I love Shelly's WOW for today:

My mantra when tempted by poor choices & not-so-fun size candy bars: "Don't trade what you want most, for what you want at the moment."

Slowly but surely.

It's really hard to put into words everything I've been going through this past week. There have been so many times where I sit down to write out a post but get lost in my own feelings.

I knew this wouldn't be a walk in the park. However, I didn't expect the healing to take so long. I still feel like a "patient" not myself. I'm still in pain at night from the incisions, although they are starting to really itch, which I think means they are healing. I need help putting on my socks, plugging my phone in, or whenever I drop something because I can't bend over. I am constantly being asked if I'm drinking enough (out of goodwill and concern, I know, but it gets a little irritating, I won't lie?),

I did put regular clothes on for the first time last night when we went to Theis Family Farm for their Pumpkin Land. It's a tradition we've done every year with Nathan since he was born. It wasn't as enjoyable this year, first because it was FREEZING and second because I couldn't do the hay ride or run around with Nathan. However, seeing the smile on his face made the whole thing worth it. We were only there for about 1 hour but it was nice to feel human again.

Today we went "Trunk or Treating" at church and Nathan had a blast. Me however, well, about 20 mins into it I was sweating, in pain, had a headache and was nauseated. It doesn't really hit you that you are RECOVERING until you push yourself too far. I got home, had a good cry, drank some protein and now I feel a bit better. Nathan was the cutest little Angry Bird though. I'm just grateful I was able to be there with him, even if we had to cut it short. 

I got to try some pureed foods today. I decided to go with a blended soup since it had a bunch of protein, Campbells Bean & Bacon to be specific. I whizzed it up in my blender stuck it in the microwave and OMG it's like the best thing I've had to eat in 4 weeks! LOL. It made 10oz of soup with 10gms of protein and it took me over an hour and a half to eat it. It's amazing how small my stomach really is now. This is the first time I've really had to pace myself eating something because it was GOOD! I'm going to have abt 1/2 cup of cottage cheese tonight to get my protein up to where it should be. I'm actually looking forward to it! 

I was warned that around the 2 week mark I would get emotional. Fat cells are where our hormones are stored so when we burn nothing but fat, all those hormones bombard us with emotional issues. Today was one of those days. I had a good cry and thankfully my hubby was there with a comfy shoulder to cry on. He helped talk me through it all and I feel better now. I am learning to accept that this is a process. I am an instant gratification kind of person and I need to learn to take my time, accept what I can and can't do and let myself heal and move forward each day. 

So far I haven't hit either of my water or protein goals, but I am getting closer everyday. I never thought it would be so hard just to drink water! I know in the long term this will be exactly what I need, the restriction of food, but it's kinda discouraging when you feel like you have a drink in your hand ALL day and you still can't reach your goal. 

I am very thankful to my friends and family that have been there for me. I can't thank my brother enough. He and my SIL drove out here from Ohio with very little notice to come help take care of me so my husband could go back to work. I called him Monday afternoon and 8hrs later he was in a car driving here. It was a big boost to my reserves having him here. He helped out in so many ways. Not just by driving Nathan back and forth to school, or doing my dishes, or making sure I was drinking, he was a source of familiarity and it made it easier to relax and know that he was here. I'm very lucky that he was able to just pick up and come out when I really needed him. I broke out in tears when he walked through the door. Sometimes what you need most is just a hug. He worked with me and helped make sure I was drinking enough because if not I was going to be readmitted into the hospital. When my Dr. called on Thursday afternoon and I gave them my numbers and they were happy I was ECSTATIC that I wold be able to stay home. I know a little bit of that victory is in part thanks fo my brother who would wake me up from my naps, not let me out of the car, or would just annoy me, until I drank some more. It was a great visit even if it wasn't for the best of reasons. It was a little bit weird to be taken care of by my little brother though! :P

Home sweet home.

Somehow I've been able to take in enough fluids that when my Dr, called to check on me this afternoon he said I didn't need to be admitted tonight. Thank GOODNESS!!!

I've been averaging around 50oz fluids & 50gms protein which is a HUGE increase from what I was doing on Monday, only 30oz fluids & 15gms protein. 

Good news is that I'm 22lbs down total including my pre-op diet. 12lbs down since surgery. 

I hope things continue to improve, I was given the go ahead to start Phase 2 foods on Monday if I am consistently getting in my fluids. 

Fluids, Fluids, Fluids.

SO, I had my 1 week check up on Monday afternoon, which was kinda silly in my eyes because I was just discharged from the hospital on Friday. Anywho....

I went in and they took 1 look at me and said I had a choice, IV fluids downstairs and I have to call back Thursday afternoon with hopefully a better day or be admitted again right then and there. So, I opted for the IV fluids and to go home since my husband absolutely has to go back to work tomorrow and I have no one who can help/watch my kid. 

He did say if I'm not able to up my fluids I will be readmitted on Thursday so I can be monitored. He attributes all these issues with my sleeve being swollen and restricting volume. Today I only managed about 15gms of protein and 32oz of fluids. Not gonna cut it. 

UGHHHHH!!!

I had my little crying fit tonight, "why the hell did I do this to myself?!? What a stupid decision." etc. 

I feel so defeated right now. I'm trying so hard to buck up and keep trying but it's so hard when your body won't do what you ask of it. 

Home & Sleeved!

So, I went into the hsoptial on Tuesday the 16th to get sleeved at 2pm. The dr. was running behind so I didn't actually get back to the OR until about 4:30pm. From what I am told the surgery was "textbook". Very easy. The recovery however, NOT very easy. 

I had a very hard time coming out of anethesia, which was new for me, I've had past surgeries and not had any issues. From what I was told and what I remember from being in and out of conciousness, I woke up vomiting and dry heaving. They gave me 5 different nausea medications to get me to stop. Because of the vomitting I was in immense pain so they had to drug me up really well. I remember crying so hard, wailing that "it hurt" over and over. I spent almost 3hrs in the PACU before I was able to be controlled with medicine. I was moved into my room where I was just supposed to spend 1 night at about 9pm. I don't remember much of that night, must have really been knocked out on pain meds. 

The next morning I had my leak test done and it came back perfect. Then my Dr. came to see me and was concerned because everytime I took a sip of fluid, be it water, popsicle, ice chips, tea or anything. about 10 seconds after the sip I would get a horrible sharp pain in my stomach. Because of this pain, I was unable to get the required fluids down (4-6oz per hour) and I was told I would be spending another night in the hospital. He thought that most of the pain and issues I was having was from swelling that was talking a longer than normal time to heal. 

That night & the next morning I was still in pain everytime I would drink. I would try to force myself but the pain was very intense. By this point I had my first "freak out" moment of what the hell did I do to myself. This has been a disaster. But, I bucked up, kept walking the halls, sipping and sleeping. 

The next morning my Dr. came to see me again. He checked all my incisions, I only ended up with 4 ports, and they were healing very nicely. He decided since I was still in a lot of pain when I was drinking that we should try Carafate to help coat my stomach until the swelling went down. He also told me, and this was at 9:30am that I would NOT being going home today either. It was another night in the hospital for me. However, the Carafate was a god-send because that day I was finally able to start drinking my liquids! I was so proud to get just 3oz down in a hour! Then I made it to 4oz and hit the wall. I couldn't make it past 4oz. Walk, sip, sleep repeat all day & night. 

Finally on Friday at about 11:15am I was released from the hospital!! Yay!! I was thrilled to get out of there. I was NOT planning on spending 4 days & 3 nights in the hospital. Because I was healing slowly I was worried that no matter what I did I wouldn't be able to get my fluids in, and even today I am still having issues doing so. 

Today is my 6th day of recovery and I'm sometimes able to get my 6oz of water/gatorade/propel down in an hour but those are rare victories I still struggle to do so. I attempted to drink some protein yesterday and I ended up in so much pain that I threw my clothes on and went for as long a walk as possible to hopefully move it around. It was terrible. It was only 4oz, sipped over an hour. I was completely miserable for a good 3-4hrs. I took some pain meds and layed down and took a nap. For the rest of the day yesterday I did nothing but water/gatorade/propel and managed to get down 12oz in 2hrs last night before bed. The most ever so far! 

So, because I know I need to get some protein in I am trying again today with the protein. I've watered it down so hopefully it moves through easier. Although, I just drank my 4th oz and I'm feeling quite full already. I've been drinking 1oz every 10 mins. 

The best piece of advice I've ever gotten about this surgery is "Never trust a fart". Let me tell you it is SPOT ON. I'm still passing a ton of gas from the surgery, from both ends but when it's the lower end I make sure to get to the bathroom because you just never know. LOL. Better safe than sorry. 

My husband has been amazing. He has been talking care of our 4 year old on his own since Tuesday and keeping the house together and being my nurse. I am so thankful for all that he has done during this time. There is nothing like knowing you have all the support in the world sitting right next to you when you are questioning what you just did to yourself. 

I feel stronger mentally and physically now. I have my post-op Dr.s appointment tomorrow at 1:30pm. I am supposed to be moved onto soft/purreed foods tomorrow, but I have a feeling that since I am still struggling with fluids he might wait. We will have to see. 

I weighed in at 341.6lbs when I checked in at the hospital on Tuesday afternoon. The day I came home from the hospital I weighed 345.8lbs from all the fluids & stuff from surgery. This morning I weigh 336.6lbs. 

Overall this journey has been a lot harder than I anticipated. I've read all the stories, talked to lots of people and we all just go through this surgery differently. Seems like I caught  the harder end of recovery. The good news is that all my vitals, my new stomach and I are doing VERY well. I just need to keep pushing fluids. I will be anxious to see what the Dr has to say tomorrow. 

Thanks to everyone for all the support!

Tomorrow is the day.

It's almost time. I got the call from the OR this morning. I will officially be sleeved at 2pm tomorrow afternoon. It's been a long journey. It's been 20+ years of being overweight, 1+ year of serious life change & 4 months since I decided on weight loss surgery. I am excited to start this part of my journey and to fully live for the first time.

DietDirect.com

This place is pretty sweet. They have a good selection of diet/bariatric products and their shipping is FAST!! Want $10 worth of product for free?!?! Just sign up and in the referral box put my email address: htmtvegas@hotmail.com and you will get $10 FREE to use on their website with NO minimum order! It's a pretty sweet deal. Check it out!

I just ordered some BariWise Fruit Drink, I definitely recommend this stuff!

My life in numbers.

A lot of people are shy about showing their numbers. Personally I can't tell you how many times I've told someone what I actually weigh and they are shocked, they couldn't believe I really weighed that much. I am much more than these numbers, but they provide more than pain, shame and embarrassment for me. They provide me with goals, progress and hopes. I hope to NEVER see some of these numbers again in my life. I will make these goals and I will share my progress with you. Part of this journey is being honest and not only with myself. Sometimes the best motivation is having others know the truth.

Age: 29
Height: 5'5"
Highest Weight: 375lbs
Lowest Weight in past 5 years: 318lbs
Starting Weight: 351lbs
Pounds lost so far: 9lbs
Current Weight: 342lbs
Current BMI: 56.7
Goal at 1 year weight: 228lbs
Amount to loose to get to goal: 114lbs
Current Pants size: 28
Current Shirt size: 22/24

Body Measurements:
Wrist: 7in
Bicep: 21.75in
Neck: 15in
Bust: 50.5in
Chest: 42.5in
Belly: 52.25in
Waist: 43.75in
Hips: 64.5in
Thigh: 37in
Calf: 26.5in

7 days to go!

It's been a WEEK! I made it through a week!!

This has probably been one of the most challenging things I've ever done. These past 7 days have been rough, but I made it. I have 7 more to go until my surgery. I really struggled on day 5. I had the worst headache that just pounded and made me nauseated. I lost control and I cheated. I at least chose a decent food to cheat with. I had about 2 cups of cottage cheese. It's on the 2nd phase foods and it was full of protein but I still felt like crap for cheating. I just lost all my willpower that night. I was alone, hubby was out at a hockey game and I was miserable. What I learned from this situation though is the cottage cheese didn't make it better. Food doesn't make me feel better. Food is not about feelings, it's about nutrition. I think this was a worthwhile lesson to learn. Yes, I had to cheat on the diet to learn it, but in the long haul it is going to make me stronger. I've never thought I was an emotional eater, I still don't think that but I can see how my emotions led me to eat that night. The whole situation gives me something to work on and hopefully that will motivate me to finish out this diet and move onto my surgery with a good mind frame.

This biggest thing I can say about this diet is that I am SO SICK OF SWEET things. UGH! Everything is sweet, and not just sweet, like teeth aching sweet. They say your tastebuds change during this journey and it's for sure already happening. The protein shakes I am having to drink are just so sweet that it's hard to stomach them. I was literally crying about it yesterday to Michael. I just wanted something that wasn't sweet!! Thank goodness I had a sample of Unjury Chicken Soup Protein powder. It literally saved me that day. It was drinkable and while it kinda tastes like a Ramen Noodle packet minus the noodles at least it wasn't sweet! Of course, now I'm out of it and waiting for my canister to be delivered. Oh well!

Overall the past week has been full of emotions, ups & downs, victories and defeats. It's been a tough 7 days but with the support of my amazing husband and my awesome friends I've made it through one hurdle and I'm ready to keep working towards the next one!

Total weight loss for Week 1: 9lbs.

Pre-op diet update. Day 4.

 Today is day 4 of my 2 week liquid diet. I thought I was going to DIE yesterday!!! The nausea, the pounding headache. I was in bed at 7pm and asleep at around 9pm. I didn't wake up until 10:30am!!! I slept like 13hrs! My head was pounding so bad that I thought I would NEVER get to sleep, it was the most awful feeling. I ended up taking 2 benadryl and that finally knocked me out. 

 I feel SOOOO much better this afternoon. I have a slight, dull headache still but I feel awake for the first tiem since I started the liquid diet. I hope things continue to get better from here. I'm not struggling with being hungry much. I have been SUPER gassy however, from both ends. 

And hello Jay Robb protein powder!!!! Seriously the BEST one I've tried so far. I made a Pumpkin Pie shake from the Vanilla, added some Pumpkin Pie spice. YUMMY!! I had the JR Pina Colada this morning too, seriously the stuff has NO aftertaste and no chalkiness. Serious yums. 

I've also lost 9, N-I-N-E lbs since Tuesday morning. Holy Carp. 

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

Day 3 of the pre-op diet and I am starting to feel ok. Which is surprising because I hardly slept at ALL last night. I was so tired I went to bed at 9pm, but tossed and turned still somewhere in the 2am mark. Of course my little monster Nathan woke me up at 6am so it's going to be a long day!

Yesterday I did it!! I managed to get all 5 of my protein shakes in. Some of them were not so yummy but I did enjoy the AboutTime Peanut Butter shake. I added 1 TBSP of PB2 to if for some extra flavor and protein and it way yummy! I also had some Won Ton soup broth and OMG, it was like I was drinking a little slice of heaven. So sad, I know. But when all you are "eating" is protein shakes even some soup broth can taste like a million bucks!

Today my mission was to find some Syntrax Matrix protein. I've heard really good reviews about this brand and I'm already getting bored and tired of the chalky taste of some powders. Lots of bariatric patients say their Mint Cookie flavor is to die for and the Cookies & Creme isn't far behind. I ran around to different vitamin & supplement stores and finally found the Cookies & Creme flavor at The Vitamin Shoppe. Price was about $2 more than online so I decided to go for it.

I'm glad I did! It was very good! First impression when you open the container is that it looks like smashed up cookies!! Real looking "cookie" bits and all! The smell?! AH-mazing. I kept saying "please taste as good as you smell, please!". I whipped up a shake with water as directed and let me tell you, YUMMY! It has a bit of that protein smell after being mixed but there is no chalky taste to it at all. I bet it would taste even better mixed with some almond milk instead of the water next time. So thank goodness I have found 2 shakes that I can get down with no problems. This one and the CLICK. 

One thing that is really bugging me is that my stomach is CONSTANTLY rumbling. Not because I'm hungry actually but because of all the liquid. I feel so bloated and, excuse me, gassy. My entire digestive system is just rumbly and grumbly and just UGH!

Overall yesterday was an easier day and today is shaping up to be pretty well, even though I am seriously tired. As Dory would say;

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!

Unauthorized Guest Post!

Hello to all!  I am Heather's husband, Michael.  Heather has no idea that I am posting this on her blog.  However, I thought I would share some of my thoughts about Heather's decision to have weight loss surgery and why I have absolutely no doubt she will succeed.

My wife of almost 10 years can do just about anything.  I've seen her find her way to New Jersey to meet some guy who she knew only by a screen name.  I've seen her teach herself how to knit amazing toys and gifts for friends and family members (or strangers in need).  I've seen her read entire books in one day. I've seen her handle a very challenging 4 year old and our home day after day while I am at work or out at some sporting event or church group.  She does a terrific job at all of it, even if I do give her a hard time sometimes.

The one thing that has always scared me about Heather has been her weight.  Her appearance has nothing to do with my worry, as I believe she is beautiful inside and out.  I've been scared because of her health.  While Heather is a generally healthy person, she has had problems with her back for as long as I have known her.  Her weight, combined with the pressure it puts on her back, means we can't be as active as we want to be and enjoy the outdoors and other special moments as a family.  I also know that being overweight can have increasing health effects as one gets older, and I want to make sure that Heather is around for a long, long time, as I couldn't ever imagine my life without her.

That is why I fully support Heather's decision to have surgery.  I have no doubt that not only will the surgery help her to become more healthy, but that she really wants to be that way.  I know that Heather will follow every piece of advice and every word that her doctors say.  I know that Heather has been thoroughly vetted by the fine folks at the SSM Weight Loss Institute, and firmly believe that they would have rejected Heather for this surgery had she not had a fantastic opportunity to do well.  The doctors have told me and Heather that her current generally good health gives her an excellent chance to have a successful surgery, recovery, and subsequent weight loss.  I don't think there's a chance... I think it will be automatic.

Not that it won't take some work.  I'm sitting here thinking about what it would be like to go 48 hours without eating anything.  I think I'd go out of my mind.  She's done it and still has 12 days to go.  No pizza or pasta for the rest of my life?  I'd go clinically insane.  See what I mean when I said Heather could do anything?  I'm so very proud of her, and I know she'll make it.

I have no idea what our lives will be like after the surgery.  However, I'm so excited to see what the future brings.  Ten years of marriage is a huge milestone, and I'm very likely to celebrate it with a happier and healthier wife.  Nothing would make me more grateful.

Thanks for listening to me ramble and for supporting Heather as her surgery date approaches.  You never know, I might just pop up again and post here.  In the meantime, all of Heather's family and friends should know that I am by her side through it all and will support her before this surgery, after this surgery, and for the rest of her life.  I take that responsibility very seriously, and I expect all of you to hold me to it.  Until next time...

-Michael